so it's been half a year...

so?

in this 1/2 year period that i am at the states, i never accomplish as much as i expected myself to be accomplishing... sounds complicated? well, me-self is not sure what i just said either..

anyways, before coming to the states, i had this AMERICAN dream, where i wanna be AMERICAN-IZED and all those stuffs... and in fact i was quite tough about and glad that i had chosen an uni with few malaysians/asians in it....

BUT, the fact is, it kinda turn out the other way round....

• i come to realize that instead of improving my english, my malay and cantonese were improved...
• instead of mixing a diverse culture, i end up having circle of friends which consists none other than, *no offense* asians....
• instead of getting exposure of the cool american culture punk-rock that i admire so much, i ended up concerning anything materialistic (bah, blame the business school that i am attending, it's all bout business, nothing personal...)
• and thanks to me moving to an apartment, i am missing out all those fun my ex floormates are having right now... T___T (owh hell no, i don;t miss my ex roommate though)
  

and today, i had a presentation in class, and thank god there is an american in my group, or else i would rather go back finish my degree in Inti College Penang....

it kinda hit me that i have spent (well, actually my parents....) so much to come all the way here, just to be malaysian/asian-IZED again....

don't get me wrong though, i still love my country, and there is still alot of PENANG PRIDE in me.....

just that, i think this is not what i should get for paying soooo much....




therefore i am making a vow... i shall mix with as many ang-mohs as possible, speak english with the American slang (owh please don;t hate me...), and i shall be AMERICANIZED!!!!

in a good way, of course... =)

black, friday the 13th

i never believe in it, crap.....

this time, i believed in the inauspicious power of friday the 13th more than anything else now....

both my parents have a medical history of cardiovascular related problems.....

so does my paternal grandmother, and my maternal grandfather....

my mom is a health conscious person, while my dad is the total opposite....

being someone who actually cared about her health, my mom has a pretty good medical record...
and when my mother complaints about chest and arm aches, we never took it seriously, instead we just brushed it off as a typical normal "old people's" symptom...

and who would have thought that an ordinary visit to the clinic, would then end up in the hospital bed?

it is now exactly one month prior to my departure, yet this marvelous shit is happening to me......

G.R.E.A.T.

i'm scared, i'm worried, and i'm doubtful....



take 10 years out of my life, i don't care....

make my life a miserable hell, i don't care.....

give me all those sickness instead, i don't care....

just as long, she gets to enjoy a much deserved many many more wonderful years ahead.....



and i realized, what i'm most scared of after all, is not me going to fly solo around the globe, or even going to an alien place all by my self....

what i'm scared and worried the most, is leaving both my aged-ing parents behind, and knowing that they are struggling very hard to support me, and the very horrifying fact that no one is around to look after them when i leave.....

and i'm praying very very very hard for one thing.....

i don't need wealth, i don't need fame, i don't need anything....

i just want everything to go well and smoothly.....

that's all, that i'm asking for....

and in the meantime, i feel like a useless jerk for not being able to do anything, other than acting like a jerk to run away from this harsh reality.....

i'm sorry....

taking this opportunity as well, i'm giving my uttermost salute to those unsung heroes who do not demand for fame and fortune, and yet had played important roles in our lives....

so important their roles in our daily life, that we (including me-self) take it for granted, until today.....

thank you....